Blessed

Well I have to say, 38 weeks have gone by so fast! The hubs and I were recently reflecting on how blessed we've been with this pregnancy. We made it to term with baby and mamma doing great. Our only little hiccup has been Gus wanting to stay breech. I guess there is so much excitement in the world, baby wants to remain upright to take it all in! 


Yesterday we attempted an external cephalic version (AKA: a barbaric manual attempt to flip baby over.) It was recommended by our OB as a way to convert a breech baby to vertex and lead to natural labor and a vaginal delivery. I was a good candidate with amniotic fluid, posterior placenta and baby's size to go forward with the attempt. Overall an ECV is very low risk for complications (emergent delivery for fetal distress or placental abruption) and with a 50/50 success rate. My emotional brain was ok with the idea of a C section. I had about 10 weeks to allow the idea to sink in since my 28 week ultrasound when we first found out. As most of you know I'm a planner and I liked the idea of knowing when the delivery would happen and be able to prepare. Not to mention there was the convenience factor of pre-booking my parents flights! Yet, despite all these benefits, a vertex baby post version still put me at a double risk of needing a section compared to the regular vertex babies who were never breech (28% vs. 13%). And there was still some risk of ending up with an emergent section if there was a complication. We knew we didn't have to attempt a version as that was an option too. 


However, my medical brain knows that C sections also come with risk. Surgical and anesthesia complications, longer recovery time, delays to milk production, increased respiratory difficulties for the baby etc etc. What to do, what to do. Therefore the medical objective opinion won us over and we went with OB's recommendation to attempt the version. But how did I feel about all of this? Would I be disappointed, would I feel like a failure for not getting to experience natural childbirth (with an a la carte epidural of course!)?

I still wasn't sure. So I put it in God's hands and said a prayer that whatever is in the Lord's plan will be.


Here was the outcome:
Gus and uterus: 1
Kim: 0


The good ole college try was given with 3 attempts to flip the baby over... baby just wouldn't budge. Thankfully, though uncomfortable, both baby and I tolerated the attempt ok. Now we're moving on to game time: a C section June 1st when the all the magic will happen. 


I'm truly ok with this outcome. I've had plenty of time to let this idea of a C section settle and we did everything we could to try to get baby to flip over, just wasn't in the cards. The exciting part is we now have a birthday: June 1, 2012. (That is unless Gus decides to make an earlier appearance! )


Meanwhile, we're getting the last minute things done on the nursery. Furniture comes today, finally, and we're running a few errands. My level of stamina is down to about 2 hours of activity and then I need a recliner break as I just don't have the energy I did even a couple weeks ago. Sleep is sort of a joke as I'm up wide awake every 2 hours. This is certainly mother natures way of preparing for many sleepless nights to come! 


Overall, we've been blessed! Our prayers continue for a healthy baby, as in the end that is all that matters. 

So much love in a face

Yesterday, I had a wonderful visit with a friend who delivered her first baby 3 weeks ago. The little one is adorable and mom is recuperating very well. It was a surreal experience after I left as I realized I too will be in the same situation, God willing, in 10 short weeks. My husband and I have remarked how much 'stuff' we still need to do in preparation. Painting the nursery, getting the last needed baby items (car seat), childbirth classes/breastfeeding, the small home improvements we've wanted to do since moving in, completing house painting, buying furniture etc etc. We're on a good path to get these little projects completed. But what I know we'll never be prepared for is actually being a parent. A statement often said 'if you wait until you're ready to have a baby, you'll never have them' has real meaning. To us, this is the time in our life we decided we 'were ready' but to be a parent begs the question "it's there a program or certificate or a master degree that's needed before being allowed to bring another person into the world?" Ha!

Obviously millions of people do this everyday, so why am I even talking about this! It's become so evident to me why there is so much info is out there, well meaning advice from loved ones, books, parent groups etc. I never truly understood until now it's because new parents really have no clue what they are getting themselves into! It's scary to realize how much you don't know and all the while this little face will be looking up at you expecting you to be their hero.

Thursday at my ultrasound it was a nice surprise to find 'Gus' (blog post explanation for another day!) sitting forward, frank breech, just waiting to check out the world. This position allowed for the tech to use a special probe and produce this amazing 4D image. While the image isn't perfectly focused and it may not be clear for everyone viewing, it was clear as day for me: a little nose, lips and cheeks. The baby's face.

It was love at first sight, and no matter how much we have to learn as new parents, when this little face looks up at us for real, we will just figure it out.

Thankfully we'll have our friends, families and others who have done this before and can lend their support, suggestions, advice and love.

New Year, new you, new baby...

I love New Years Day.

It's a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the year past but more importantly to look forward to the year to come. It's not often that we get to 'start over' but as users of a Gregorian calendar, we can do this every year, on the same date. A Christian calendar will make a great argument to have this day of renewal be on Easter Sunday- which date changes yearly. What other day is more renewing than that? As I strive to be organized (as much as I fail at this daily) a January 1st, day of renewal just makes it easier to remember!

Ok, so onto some personal reflecting. 2011 was a wonderful year in may ways. There were points along the year which were a little rough, but worth mentioning nonetheless. We took an impromptu trip with my parents and 87 yo Memere to Hawaii. It was lovely to spend some much needed time together on a very unexpected vacation. 2 weeks later, my Pepere died, but right in my Mem's arms after saying I love you.... Shortly after Pep's passing (clearly he was needed in heaven to pull a few strings) we closed on our house, finally. A little divine intervention was needed after that saga...thanks Pep!

We moved in August and once again Mem and Mom came out to help. We've been settling into our new home and spent the month of September reorganizing, decorating and getting to know the place. In October, we found out we were pregnant, in November we both worked a ton and travelled home in December and... WHAT, Did I just say I was pregnant?!

Yes, I am! Due June 8th and already 17 weeks it's been an exciting few months. The hubs is ecstatic and so are our family and friends. I spent the first 2 months nauseated with multiple food aversions and left to eating PB&Js at practically every meal but then one day I awoke and felt great. We travelled for a much needed R&R trip in the beginning of December and spent Christmas in MA with my family. I'm feeling great, though it's still hard to believe there is a little life inside so dependent upon me. We're not going to find out if it's a boy or a girl, so an exciting surprise awaits!

Here's a picture of the little one...

11 week U/s, there's a little hand waving above the baby's face :)

Looking forward to 2012 are many exciting adventures both personally and professionally. With a little planning and preparation I hope it to all go smoothly.

I realize that having a baby means loosing some sense of control. You can't control an infant no matter how hard you try. So I'm giving in and expecting the cluelessness of a being a new parent to be as overwhelming as everyone says. No matter how much one might 'know' this parenthood thing is all 'on the job learning.' (Ha! Just like residency :) So to prepare there are few things to do...

We're going to work on getting ourselves in order. After moving we still have several little projects left to do. As I said before I strive to be organized but often feel like my piles have taken on a life of their own. So this year I resolve for the first 6 months to 'get my act together' and organize myself, my life and my house. This entire year though I hope to live by these words:

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference."

As far as pregnancy and parenting goes, I have wonderful parents and friends who are excellent examples of great parents. I hope my observations of them over the years will rub off a little on me. In the meantime, I'll continue working on the things I have control over, myself, my diet, the important relationships in my life, my professional endeavors, my hobbies, and a positive attitude (always a work in progress).

As for things I have no control over, there is prayer. I pray for a healthy pregnancy, and most importantly a healthy baby, the courage needed during parenting and for many blessings to be bestowed on the life of the baby we have yet to meet.

Happy New Year to all my friends. May 2012 be a time of health, self reflection, inner peace as well as peace around the world and much love to you all!

This old house

A little house update:

So far the hardwoods have been redone, carpets replaced and our bedroom furniture arrived. Movers came on Monday. This is actually happening we are moving! When I walked back into our rental on the last night we would sleep there I got a little teary eyed. Despite my grumbling about the lead paint in the kitchen and not enough cabinets, the tight bathroom with slow plumbing and just not enough closet space I might actually miss the old place, er...just a little, I'll get over it!

The 'shag palace' as it will be remembered, thanks to green shag carpeting, was the first place we lived together. It was where we celebrated our engagement and prepared for our wedding. It welcomed us home after vacations away and provided comfort and solitude after long days at work. We laughed at our goofy wallpaper and rolled our eyes at the landscaping which was just too much to keep up- especially since May when we found the new house there was no energy or emotion to invest in replanting and pruning the garden.

We hoped and prayed this day would come that we would actually be in our first home. It's been a week since we spent our first night and I still can't believe that we actually live here! Mom and Memere arrived this week to help with the french housecleaning, yah! I can't imagine moving without their help, exciting energy and guidance. Mem particularly enjoyed the 2nd opening of the wedding gifts.

Since we didn't have much room in our rental, most of our wedding gifts have been boxed and stored in the basement. It's thrilling to open them all, wash and now display in my built in hutch. We're enjoying each other's company as we 'putter' throughout the house. We know the process of unpacking will be unending for at least the next several months and home depot seems to be an every other day trip, thankfully it's only 4 miles away!

We are IN and that's all that matters! We are both so grateful to share this time with Mom and Mem it's really been a great week. Dad didn't make this 'girls' trip but will come next time. Looks like his plan worked out because he would been quite worried about the house in MA with Irene. Unfortunately he is still without power at home. Luckily the house survived minus one tree.

Hummingbirds

I realize it's been awhile and by now most of you know we have finally closed on our first home. We are thrilled and overwhelmed with the list of things to do and prepare before we move. We're excited and full of decisions to make on paint, carpet, washer and dryers etc. There will be many pics and DIY projects to blog about in the future I have no doubt. It is very hard to believe after waiting for so long we finally have our house. The gravity of it all hasn't set in yet and I am having a hard time believing it yet since we haven't moved. We closed the day after I had convinced myself it wasn't going to happen at all. All of those worries are behind us and I almost feel numb to the anxiety we experienced as we signed endless extensions. All I can see is our future!

First of all I'd like to give a little thank you to my Pep as I know he had something to do with the closing...

Leo, my Pep or Pepere as we say in french, came into my mother's life back in the late 1950s. He was a bachelor and no employer would hire him as he had lost 5 out of 10 fingers in an industrial accident years before. This prevented him from serving in WWII with all his buddies and left him searching for a purpose in life. He was a frustrated young man without much direction. My mother's father owned an office supply store and being the good man he was, gave Pep a chance and a job. My mom shared this story during the eulogy at Pep's memorial mass and her version is much more eloquent and thoughtful. She recalls: often times the day started in the basement of the family home with supplies and mom recalls only wanting "Leo" to take her out of her crib. He was a wonderful man, always brought the kids fun toys and occupied their curious minds with inquisitive tasks and projects as they grew up. Leo knew all kinds of trivia, could fix anything and always had a smile on his face. My mom's Dad grew ill and when she was 15, he died. Leo helped my Memere keep the family business afloat and was the support person for Mom and my Uncle Paul into their teenage years.

One day, several years after her husband's death, Memere asked Mom's permission if it was ok that Leo took her out to dinner. "Of course it was ok, it's Leo!" she exclaimed. The rest is history and 29 years ago, they married.

Pep was the only grandfather my brother and I ever knew. He loved his family and we were all that he had after loosing his sisters and brothers all at a young age to heart disease. Leo needed a family and we needed a father and a grandfather and God provided. It was as if it was in the plans so long ago that the perfect man came into a shop one day inquiring for a job, little did he know he was really receiving a family.

I grew up my whole life with my grandparents just upstairs in my house. I never needed a baby sitter and had the benefit of 2 sets of parents. (Except, my grandparents never disciplined, a fact my brother and I used to our advantage!) They were wonderful years, a gift you don't realize at the time but are so grateful for when you think back.

Pep's heart disease, loss of eye sight and development of dementia made his last few years difficult. He spent his last few months in a safe dementia unit surrounded by staff who knew how to keep Pep safe and calm. He enjoyed his music and looking at the flowers through the window, what little of them he was still able to see. Pep always told Mom he could see a hummingbird come to his window. Though no one else ever saw it, Pep insisted the hummingbird was there. On July 2nd, he died in Mem's arms after standing up to tell her he loved her. It was the day before his 86th birthday.

That day as my family mourned Peps loss in his room, Mom saw the hummingbird at the window...

So what does all of this have to do with our house? Pat and I flew home for Pep's memorial last week. My family knew we were stressing the closing of our house because it was plagued with delays and extensions all of which were out of our control. Mem told us "Pep is going to make this work, I just know it." She believed this and so did we.

On our way back to the airport after our trip, we heard the news that the 'golden ticket' needed had arrived and we were on path to an eventual closing. I smiled when our realtor said 'golden ticket'. He was only referring to a piece of paper escrow needed from the seller, but all I thought about was chocolate. You know, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Charlie and Grandpa Joe? When you had the golden ticket, anything was possible, even having Grandpa Joe walk! I thought of my Memere and her belief that Pep in heaven would make everything ok.

The day we closed I came home to meet Pat and our realtor at home. As we stood in the doorway of our rental before we set off for our first visit to our new home, Pat and I saw something near the flowers. It was a hummingbird.

Thanks Pep! We love you! xo

Better things to come

I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit sad that I wasn't able to run today in the Seattle Rock and Roll 1/2 marathon that I signed up for Jan 1st. In mid April my training schedule was derailed thanks to an mystery muscle pull in my side. My hubby was sweet enough to call it 'love handle-itis' and in truth is exactly where I was hurting. I was advised to not run for 2 weeks, I did pilates instead (which I love) and tried to take it easy and 'stretch'. Have you every tried to stretch your side above your hip bone? It's not really easy. Conservative management of this injury was tried, I saw a sports med guy and it has gotten better. In fact today, it's practically gone.

Nonetheless, I lost about 6 weeks of training and knew in the beginning of June when I could only run 2 miles there would be no way to up my miles to 10 over 4 weeks. It just wasn't going to happen. So I've known for several weeks this 1/2 marathon wasn't going to happen for me. It wasn't until yesterday when I walked into the Expo to pick up my number and T shirt (a very expensive T shirt now!) that it hit me, I wasn't going to be crossing the finish line today.

My running buddy Liz was also plagued with an injury, so this dream of a repeat for our 2nd 1/2 together also wasn't going to happen for her. We both enjoyed checking out the booths at the Expo, picking out some running accessories, Nuun's, headbands etc. Who knew there could be so much stuff for running other than a good pair of sneaks? My husband told me there is no one disappointed in me, and I am my worst critic. He is so right.

I thought about walking the 1/2 but even that would require some training or advancing miles. Honestly, walking it just sounded painful. In the end universe gave me a nice chest cold, asthma exacerbation and an ear ache, and even if I had trained and was prepared, I think my body was telling me NO! I know there was no way I could have run/walked today anyway.

So I will keep my bib number, (31527) which I love as it is has 15 and 27, both my lucky numbers. I'd rather be strong and healthy to enjoy the rest of the summer. Right now I can do about 2-3 miles comfortably and I'm just happy doing that. In the meantime we await positive news about our house and just hope and pray we close soon. I look forward to running in my new neighborhood this summer, healthy, strong and pain free.

No pity party

Some of you might know by now that we are in the home buying process and set to close in 8 days. Unfortunately a few bumps in the road on the seller's side could make it not happen at all. We've done all our part, inspection, financing, appraisal etc and now we wait to have all the other ducks in a row in order to make this happen. Boxes are out, work schedules rearranged, movers ready to call, family flying out to help and "hold on, wait a minute, not so fast" there is a road block. Emotions went from excited packing energy, looking at furniture, thinking about paint and carpets and the reopening of all the wedding gifts and putting them away finally after being stuck in the basement for so long...oh the excitement of almost finally being able to call our own house a home. Now they are anxiety, anger, frustration, annoyance, sadness and disbelief that it might not happen at all.

We realize that everything happens for a reason, and it is all in God's hands now. We know that someday we will be homeowners and will look back and realize what a small hurdle this is. We know that we are lucky to have our health, family and friends. We know that we're blessed not to be in the devastation of tornado alley. We watched the news in sadness last night as a widow described the last moments of her husband's life as he sheltered her body in the bath as the tornado blew over their home, killing him in the process. We held each other in gratefulness that we are ok and these emotions and this situation we are experiencing is so small compared to the burdens of so many others. We know we are blessed. We feel guilty to even be thinking that we are stressed when there are so many others in this world hurting and stressed from emotional, health, family, financial or work or safety worries. We now understand what everyone has told us "buying a home is the most stressful time in your lives." We get it.

In the meantime we are holding onto a glimmer of hope that it could still happen. We gratefully appreciate the prayers and well wishes from our family and friends. We anxiously await a time when we can invite you to our home and actually have a place for family and friends to stay- as our current shag palace is too small. Till then, we wait.